Hello.

Damn, this is soooo hard, yet I know on the other side of all this anxiety, I will (hopefully) laugh at how stupid fear got the best of me...

Got into scn as a young kid. Was on staff (not SO) for a couple of years around 20 yrs old. Attested to clear in the early 90s, here, 20 years later I am posting in the "enemy's" newsgroup.

Haven't been on lines for a couple of years now. I was thinking about this since 1994. It took years to remove myself from friends. Finally, 10 days ago, I went peeking on the internet. In my mind I thought, I am no longer a scnist. I know I will not be paying money (even if I had it) to go OT, so there's no harm in taking a look at all the things I'm "not allowed" to see...

...Oh... my... God! (again, say it with me...) OH...my GOD!!!

...Well some of you might understand. Reading OT3 put me in a state of INSANITY. Too many feelings to describe, but come are: disbelief, shock, spinning in dizziness of clusters in a firey volcano, FEAR, more fear, and it went on, as the days went on. I wondered, "is this true supression?! ...only a real SP would post this on the internet, most likely to INTEND for good people like me to go crazy."

More days past, and believe me, I have not been cured of these feelings yet. Like I said, only 10 days ago.

I could not stop reading. Other people's stories really touched me.

I've read an imense amount of information about mind control and Hubbards true records, Crowds by Le Bon, books by ex-scnsits, Free Zone fanatics, Scientologie, squirrels and lions and tigers and geology researches on volcanoes and psych's retreats of deprogramming hell that almost sounds like a scientology camp where amybe they'll bring me back and there is no hope for my eternity now, etc and on and on...

I have been up and down the tone scale, round and round in my "bank"

(because I threw away my clear braclet = not clear after all), back and forth from enemy to goodboy, type 3 throughout my skull and back again...

who am I?

This last Thursday I threw away a 7,000 dollar LRH library in the dump!

10 days and I think I have a long way to go before I can sleep sound again, but any REAL encouragement would be appreciated at this point, and I at least know that I do not want to persue a FZA way of doing the bridge. I need encouragement outside the relm of "religious philosophy."

...how long before I am me again? and what am I? I am really 10 days out of a cult, no different really than heven's gate or jonestown. I know I am a spiritual being, as we all are, but to live without answers... can an ex scientolgist really live that way?

Help? I'm listening.

The segment was rescheduled:

Tuesday, August 15th @ 7pm on ZDTV's Internet Tonight:

Carol Es, Outsider Artist from Los Angeles.

Please check your local listings for exact times & channels. I believe it airs 7pm, 10pm, midnight & some the following day.)

http://esart.com New things on the site too!!! check it out & see!

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