From: Judith Bandsma                      Posted: 12 Sep 94  14:00
To  : Sean McCullough
Subj: Re: Men and Women

 -=> Quoting Sean McCullough to Judith Bandsma <=-

>SM> Then please explain why it is that women CHOOSE this kind 
>SM> of man [asshole] so overwhelmingly when they finally do get
>SM> to decide........

Would you believe I have actually had women tell me that they would 
kill to have a husband like mine, in one breath... and accuse him of 
being a wimp in the next. Having been like this myself at one point 
in my life, I can only speak for myself....and I had no inclination 
to be considered a ball-busting bitch. That's what you get from both 
men and insecure women when you can assert yourself enough to be 
with the type of person you REALLY would prefer....and find a man 
who can take the attacks on his manhood from being nice all the time 
and not just in private moments. I still see girls being told not to 
show their intelligence if they want to ever 'catch' a man, and that 
nice guys are wimps. It takes a hell of a lot to break that kind of 
conditioning and most of us don't even see it. It took a gun to my 
head from a man who was supposed to love me to make me decide that 
the assholes of the world would never get a second crack at me.

The second level of conditioning for women (and THE hardest to 
overcome) is the level that somehow you are less than complete 
without a man. I _still_ find myself reverting to that dependence at 
times even when I do know that a need for someone else to validate 
my life is sick. I live with my husband because I want to and 
because he is pleasant company (most of the time) and humans are 
social animals. Before I met him I lived alone and partied a lot. 
Back to my point...we tend to pick 'potential' mates to fill what we 
think is lacking in us and often go for the assholes because they 
let us know that they are filling the 'lack' in us.

Nice guys are often seen as indifferent, mainly because they EXPECT 
us to be independent (as opposed to mouthing those sentiments but 
turning into raving maniacs when we are) and see our lives as 
self-fulfilling. They actually appreciate the fact that we can do 
things ourselves and don't put all the pressure on them. When you 
don't see that a man wants to be with you just for who you are, then 
it can look like the man doesn't really care. Negative 
reinforcement, I guess...if the guy pays you bad attention it is 
better than 'seemingly' no attention at all. Frankly, I'd rather be 
able to say to my husband 'I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow, I'll 
be back in 2 weeks' and have him ask if I need some laundry done 
before I pack than deal with a raving lunatic who wants to know who, 
why, when, where, what for and 'did I give you permission'. Makes me 
want to keep him.

I feel real sorry for the women who will settle for second best and 
go on to convince themselves that this is best for them. And there 
is nothing better than a relationship with a truly NICE guy. They 
don't know what they are missing.

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